Waiting for Tony
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, Sara, is Tony home?"
"No, Chris, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and after a few minutes, the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 dollar bill on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "I've just got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could see the both of them together."
Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table, then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Modern Nursery Rhyme
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggie a bone
But when she bent over
Rover drove her
‘Cause her dog had a bone of its own!
Why does a blonde only change diaper on her baby once a month?
Because it says good for up to 20 pounds
A guy took his Newfie girlfriend to her very first football game. After the game, he asked her how she enjoyed it.
"I did enjoy it, but I still can't understand why they were trying to kill each other for 25 cents."
"What are you talking about?" he asked her.
"All I kept hearing everyone yell was, 'Get the quarter back!'" she replied.
I farted in an elevator yesterday... it was wrong on so many levels.
Importance of Accuracy
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply...
"The word is 'CELEBRATE!"
What is the definition of eternity?
Four blondes in four cars at a four way intersection.
A string goes into a bar …
A string goes into a bar, slides onto the barstool and asks the bartender to give him a beer.
"I don't serve strings," the bartender says.
The string goes home, ties himself in a knot, and frays the top of himself. He then returns to the bar and again asks the bartender to give him a beer.
"Hey, aren't you the string that was just here?" asks the bartender.
The string replies, "No... I'm a frayed knot."
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A: You can un-screw a lightbulb!
An army trainer was teaching his recruits about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then George in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes George, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?"
George replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that George?"
"Well," answered George, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked trainer impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Q: What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother?
A: Leave the plunger in the toilet
Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground. Lying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."
The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.
Then when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise,
"For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
Happy Friday, eh!