In each of the sentences below,
the number of commas is excessive, which can obscure comprehension because the
reader is distracted from effortlessly recognizing the syntactical structure of
the statement. Discussion and a revision follows each example.
1. The next step is to
escalate the issue to the executive management, including the CEO, and, through
appropriate channels, the board of directors.
When repetition of commas or
other punctuation marks within a sentence is overbearing, recast the sentence
or, as shown here, change punctuation marks to reduce the number of identical
occurrences: “The next step is to escalate the issue to the executive
management (including the CEO) and, through appropriate channels, the board of
directors.”
2. They will need to
exercise their own judgment when considering whether a lower threshold is
appropriate for a portion, or all, of their customers, which, again, may lead
to inconsistent practices across the industry.
If a word or phrase signals an
abrupt or unexpected shift in a sentence, a dash is likely a more appropriate
substitute when too many commas burden a sentence: “They will need to exercise
their own judgment when considering whether a lower threshold is appropriate
for a portion, or all, of their customers—which, again, may lead to
inconsistent practices across the industry.”
3. The entrance of
nontraditional competitors, such as fintech, or financial technology, companies
into the financial services industry, is driving this recent evolution.
The primary parenthesis in this
sentence is misidentified: The phrase “or financial technology” is inserted
into the parenthetical phrase “such as fintech companies,” which expands on the
main clause “The entrance of nontraditional competitors into the financial
services industry is driving this recent evolution.” The parenthesis should
therefore end at companies,
not industry:
“The entrance of nontraditional competitors, such as fintech, or financial
technology, companies, into the financial services industry is driving this
recent evolution.”
However, the proximity of
punctuation here is oppressive, and punctuation isn’t always required when
additional information is inserted into a sentence; the statement is equally
intelligible as punctuated here: “The entrance of nontraditional competitors
such as fintech, or financial technology, companies into the financial services
industry is driving this recent evolution.”
FYI: In a
list of things, the last item is usually preceded by an ‘and’. American English puts a comma before the ‘and’.
British English does not…as in the
following:
AmerEng: I went
to the super market and bought an apple, a banana, and a carrot.
BritEng: I went to the super market and bought an
apple, a banana and a carrot.
